Friday Five: Top Five Characters from the Major League movies

On the eve of the day that pitchers and catchers report to the Brewers spring training camp in Maryvale, Ariz., I thought it would be fun to rank my favorite five characters from the Major League movies (not the third one though, because though it was mildly funny, it is not on the same level of the first two), which are easily my favorite baseball movies of all time.

5. Johnny the fan (according to IMDB, that's his name in Major League 2)

Johnny represents the irrational sports fan in all of us. He's ecstatic when the team does something good: "We signed Parkman!" and will turn on a dime when things go bad: "NO! You rotten bums! You overpaid weenies! Mild thing, you make my butt sting! I *detest* you! You're all garbage! All of ya! Back up the truck! Back it up! " and (much like Brewers fans the past few years) is eternally hopeful "Yeah, they went 3-24 in spring training..." Even with the mood swings, it is obvious that he is a loyal die-hard fan (is there any other kind?) and thus is someone that anyone who is a fan can relate to. The comic relief only helps his case.

Best line/scene: After it is evident that Rick Vaughn and the rest of the team aren't as good as the year before, Johnny displays his disgust by turning his Indians cap inside out and having a big black "X" taped over his Indians t-shirt. That shit gets me every time.

4. Rube Baker (C)

Ah yes, a hillbilly backup catcher obsessed with Playboy who can't make the throw back to the pitcher. Not exactly a stock character if you ask me. Like most characters in a comedy movie, Rube is there for the laughs, but he is also kind of a redneck philosopher: "Women... you can't live with 'em, and they can't pee standing up." and "My momma always said it's better to eat shit than not eat at all," are some of his better thoughts. I also thoroughly enjoy when he finally stands up to his former teammate Jack Parkman: "You're on the train tracks, butthead, and the train is coming through!"

Best line/scene: [Rick Vaughn has been demoted to the bullpen, and he broke up with his girlfriend]
Rube: Hey. Ya know Ricky, breaking up with a girlfriend can be a very painful thing. But it don't have to keep ya down for long. I mean, let me tell ya something from my own personal experience. I've never had a regular girlfriend like you, but I did get kicked in the balls once by a mule. Now, I thought I would be hurting for the rest of my life. But you know what happened the very next week?
Rick: What?
Rube: My momma died. Hell, after that, I didn't care no more about my balls hurtin'. You see what I'm gettin' at?

3. Pedro Cerrano (RF) and Eddie Harris (SP) [tie]

It's hard to pick between the two because they're so intertwined in the first movie, so I just went with them both. You've got Cerrano the voodoo-loving stud home run hitter from Cuba, and Harris the down home wily old veteran who isn't beyond resorting to putting Crisco and Vagisil on his body to gain that extra edge over the young guys. They both play vital parts on their team -- much like any real MLB team -- and their clash of personalities make it that much more enjoyable.

Best line/scene:

Pedro: I'm pissed off now, Jobu. Look, I go to you. I stick up for you. You don't help me now. I say "Fuck you," Jobu, I do it myself.

[Pedro said to Harris that it is very bad to steal Jobu's rum. Harris proceeds to drink the rum after Pedro leaves. Harris walks out to the field.]
Harris: Hey bartender! Jobu needs a refill! *gets hit in the head with a flying bat*

2. Lou Brown (Manager)

Lou Brown doesn't take shit from anyone, and that is what makes him hilarious. Insufferable owner that only wants to see the team fail? He has no problem standing up to her, even if he is naked. Prima donna third baseman or center fielder? Brown tells it like it is: "Don't give me that "ole" bullshit!" or "Every time you pop one up, you owe me 20 push-ups!" I'm pretty sure if I were a professional baseball player, I would want to play for him.

Best line/scene:
Dorn: Lou! Can I have a word with you, here?
Brown: Sure.
Dorn: See, I've got it right here in my contract. It says, "I don't have to do any calisthenics that I don't feel are necessary." So what do you think about that?
Brown: [drops the contract on the ground and urinates on it, then walks off]

1. Harry Doyle (announcer)

Bob Uecker stole the show playing Harry Doyle. From what I understand, the producers had a script in mind, but mostly let Bob be himself. Listening to Brewers games throughout my life, this is completely plausible. Bob is a funny guy by nature, and I think he takes his game up a notch with the Harry Doyle character. I don't think the Major League series would be the same without his comedic --yet honest -- takes on the ins and outs of a bumbling baseball franchise.

Best line/scene: There are far too many good ones to pick just one. "Juuuust a bit outside" is understandably a classic. His interactions with broadcast partner Monty are quite good. "The post game is brought you by... Christ, I can't find it. The hell with it!" is right up there. But I'm quite partial to, when, in the second movie while the Indians are playing the second game of a disastrous double-header, and Doyle is drunk: "Well, the Indians have a base runner. I think I'll wet my pants."

Mundane Minutiae, Vol. II: Even When I Win I Lose

Anyone reading this knows that I am not a conversationalist. This is perhaps highlighted by when someone asks me how I am doing. My standard response is usually "I'm all right." or "I'm okay." followed by silence. This is my message to the person that the conversation is over and that I'll be moving. Part of the reason I do this is indeed because I'm a prick and I don't care how you're doing. I will not deny this.

I am not completely a sociopath, however, as even though I don't ask, I still hope that everything's going just fine, even if you happen to be a complete stranger, even one that I don't particularly like.

There is a different reason that I don't reciprocate on this particular question, though. It is because, through many years of observation, that no one in the history of the world that, when asked that question, has responded something like: "Fucking shitty! My wife left me, my dog died, and when I went to a hooker to feel better, I caught a case of the crabs!" I'm exaggerating, obviously, but when you're having a bad day people tend not to confide in mere acquaintances in hallway; they bitch to their friends or significant others.

This, mercifully, brings me to my point.

A couple of girls that work upstairs bring me various FedEx packages and Priority Mails throughout the day, and usually they stop to talk to me for a few minutes. This is not because I am so awesome; it is because I think I represent a respite from their dull day and an escape from their boss whom I can say firsthand sucks ass.

This has been going on for a few months. The conversations aren't flirty -- they both have husbands and children from what I gather -- and they aren't particularly interesting. They've asked about my recent furniture shopping and usually query whether or not I got "wasted" on a particular weekend. (I think they think that I am an alcoholic that gets drunk by himself, which I can't technically dispute.) Usually the conversations end not because of an obvious "out" but because I am socially retarded and say things to them while walking away, or while not adding to a particular point I was making. Once, one of them -- upon learning I spent a night drinking in front of my computer -- mentioned that she had a friend that was particular lonely... my response? "I don't need any more friends."

Obviously there are no budding friendships between us.

Today, they came down as usual, and one of them -- let's call her K -- opened with "So when can I apply for the mail room position?"

I replied "I dunno, it'll probably be a long time."

"Aww, I'm about done with [my current position in the company]."

So I asked K against every bone in my body -- and every conversational experience I've ever had with anyone I've ever met that was not close to me -- "Sounds like you're having a bad day, huh?"

The two of them walked away while the other one -- A we'll call her -- said, "yeah, bad career even!"

I was kind of taken aback. I was being a decent fucking human being if only for a few seconds, and I was denied.

Perhaps it's as simple as that they were only supposed to come down and give me their FedEx packages and get upstairs because their boss was cracking the whip. This is entirely possible. But my cynicism (and low self-esteem) says it's something more like "Oh God, creepy dude from the mail room actually wants to talk me, what do I do? Oh yeah, bail!"

Now if this were the 23-year-old me, I would have written a 3000 word story about it and won an award in the process. But this is the 28-year-old me, and though I care enough to write about it, it doesn't bother me as much. I can just brush it off as interesting, and move on.

I'd Be A Horrible Teacher

I am in the process of training my co-worker -- an older gentleman -- on the afternoon duties at my job. I have never really had this responsibility before at any job I've ever had at any time in my life. I am almost certain this has to do with the fact that my social skills are inept at best, and downright retarded at the worst. But it is now my duty to make sure this guy can fill in for me when I go on vacation. He's picking up the afternoon stuff just fine thus far, but that's not what this post is about.

This little training session reminded me of a question I get every single time, without fail, any time I reveal that I have a degree in English. That question, of course, is "What did you want to do with that, be an English teacher?"

The answer every time, of course, is a resounding "no."

If I wanted to be an English teacher, I would have become one. I imagine getting a license to teach isn't all that difficult, and finding a job isn't too much harder... if you don't care where you teach.

But my reasons are a little deeper than that. Namely, I would be horrible at it. Let's look at the reasons why.

I'll start at the beginning by saying that I coasted through grade school -- a private one no less, so no blaming the public school systems! -- and high school. I didn't have to study for anything. People in my classes always asked me, the awkward, quiet kid if they could copy my work. Naturally, I obliged because I didn't really care. (And maybe because I secretly wanted more friends.) The reason I had it so easy is not because I'm really smart (this would be disproved in college) but because I'm apparently really good at remembering shit. With years of reflection, I still believe this to be the key to succeeding in school, at least through 12th grade: rote memorization. With standardized testing being the norm in our great country, I don't think this has changed any since I was in school.

This would not be a good way to be a teacher, as my solution to the problem of someone not knowing something is usually to just give them the answer. Even when I was school, concepts were of no importance to me. I was told 6+4=10, and I couldn't care less why it equaled that; I just remembered it was 10 so I could move on to the next one. This is obviously not a good way to teach anyone anything, and would only be setting those poor kids up for failure, even if the little bastards would score highly on state tests under my tutelage.

I mentioned my lack of social skills before, and they would also come into play here. I was explaining to my co-worker how to use the mail metering machine and FedEx online, and during the course of the conversation, I could feel my voice getting hoarse. It occurred to me that my throat and vocal cords hadn't been used like that in some time. Hell, my own girlfriend hasn't heard me talk that much, but I'm supposed to get up in front of a bunch of kids for 50 minutes at a time, 6 times a day for 180 days? But it's not even the physical limitation that bothers me; my body would get used to it.

The real problem is that I very rarely have anything of substance to say to anyone, much less a bunch of strangers. And even when I do, I have a whole hell of a lot of trouble actually saying it. Isn't that kind of what teaching is? Let's not even get into my impatience for stupidity or my ability to get bent out of shape over the most trivial things. I would be fired in the first week after some smart-assed punk mouthed off to me about how "boring" Shakespeare is.

Shakespeare brings me to the final point, which is curriculum. If I were to take a job at a local high school, I would have to "teach" what the state wanted me to teach. Most of the shit you read in high school is boring as hell. I thought it was then, and if I were to revisit it now I would probably feel the same way. This, not-so-coincidentally, is the same reason you don't find me being a copywriter or technical writer or writing for any publication that will have me: when it comes to writing, I am not a whore. I won't write whatever you tell me just to get my name out there. Nor can I bring my heart and soul -- which I think is the strength of my writing -- to soulless renditions of procedural manuals or reviews of bands that I couldn't give a shit about. Fuck that.

It is no secret that when I didn't care about something when I was in school, whether grade or high school or college, that I didn't apply myself. This is why I nearly failed my final math class in high school, or my foray into the Spanish language in college. This is also why I would fail as a teacher, because if I think "Romeo and Juliet" is a piece of shit (I don't, but stay with me) it will come across to my students. I could never fake interest in a subject.

Not that you are, but if you were wondering what my syllabus would be for a high school English class, it might start with these books: Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, Cash: The Autobiography by Johnny Cash, High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, and Leaving Las Vegas by John O'Brien.

Essentially I think I would be the Craig Counsell of teachers. He's been a member of two World Series-winning teams; I got mostly good grades in school, specifically in English. He is thought of as someone that just knows how to play the game the right way, without any flash; I may not have a good understanding of the human condition, but I know that it is the force that drives good literature. But in the end he's more than likely going to take his walks and play adequate defense, but will end up hitting .230 and drive in 20 runs. Not someone you want to put out there every day -- last season excepted -- but a decent backup.

I should not be a teacher of any sort, not even a substitute.

Friday Five: Top Five Live Albums

So I've been reading Willie Nelson: An Epic Life by Joe Nick Patoski and it naturally made me crave some Lone Star beer, some whiskey, and to hear Willie and The Family Live, an LP that I bought a few years ago.

While listening, I thought of all the live albums that I like, and I thought what better time to bring back a feature I did on my web site a long time ago. So here it goes, the first edition (on this blog) of Friday Five...

Top Five Live Albums

5. Blink-182 – The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show (The Enema Strikes Back)

The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show is as much a comedy album as it is a music album. Sure, they perform their particular brand of pop-punk decently. The set list is chock full of their hits up until that point, including “What's My Age Again?,” “Adam's Song,” and their breakthrough hit “Dammit.” But the real standout here is their sophomoric sense of humor. Whether it's one-liners like “This song is about my herpes, it's called “Don't Leave Me” or extended bits like visits from “Satan” or songs consisting of nothing but swear words, it'll have your inner 14-year-old giggling in no time.

4. The Rolling Stones – Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out

Recorded at Madison Square Garden a month before the tragedy at Altamont, Ya-Ya's finds The Rolling Stones at their bad-assed-est. (I'm sorry, I had to make up a word there.) The band was probably the toughest and tightest we'll ever hear them. From the wicked solos in “Sympathy for the Devil” to the menacing (and extended) take on “Midnight Rambler,” the Stones deliver rock n' roll at it's finest. Mick Jagger reduces the age of the girl in “Stray Cat Blues” from 15 to 13, which makes it even more creepy, but the two Chuck Berry covers and stellar versions of hits “Jumpin' Jack Flash” and “Street Fighting Man” make this live album one of the best.

3. Willie Nelson – Willie & The Family Live

Willie Nelson the songwriter and Willie Nelson the performer are two different people. One is normally sad and heart-wrenching, the other is upbeat and raucous. Backed by his crack band consisting of his sister Bobbie on piano, right-hand man Paul English on drums, Bee Spears on bass, and Mickey Raphael on harmonica (plus another guitarist, drummer and bassist, because “why the hell not?” has been Nelson's calling card throughout his career), Willie leads us through all of his hits and then some. We're treated to an absolutely searing rendition of “Bloody Mary Morning,” a soulful cover of “Georgia on My Mind,” and two – count 'em – two takes on his traditional opener “Whiskey River” If you're doubting the greatness of this album, one only remember that Willie Nelson's set list remains mostly the same to this day. Why fix what ain't broke, right?

2. Metallica – S&M

Rolling Stone wrote in their review of this album: “But S&M, the two-CD record of that performance, sounds like an artifact from the faux-satanic, light-and-fog age of classic metal - pompous, humorless and too weighty for even James Hetfield's considerable presence. ” I respectfully disagree. S&M just sounds fucking cool. One might think that the mighty Metallica would easily overpower a puny symphony, but somehow they do not. (Insert Metallica is lame/weak joke here) The two forces swirl around one another and jell into one solid unit, specifically on the instrumental “Call of Ktulu.” Metallica roar through all of their best-known songs, including a couple of new ones, and neither they nor the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra disappoint.

1. Johnny Cash – At Folsom Prison

An album recorded at a prison normally would be destined to crash and burn, but not this time, not under the watchful eye of Johnny Cash. He and the Tennessee Three crackle with energy here, tearing through prison-themed songs like megahit “Folsom Prison Blues,” “Cocaine Blues,” and “25 Minutes to Go.” I think what makes me like this album so much – besides the music – is that it sounds like Johnny genuinely wanted to be there. These were people he understood, and he wanted to make them happy if only for an hour. Somber moments were broken up with humor, whether it was making fun of the water (“They must've run this off Luther's boots”) or the interplay between him and June Carter:

Johnny: I love to watch you talk.

June: I talk with my mouth! My mouth is up here!

At Folsom Prison finds Cash at the top of his game. To hear this album is to hear what Johnny was all about. You can't get much better than that.

Preach on, Brother Dudek!

It's kind of funny. (Probably only to me...) I don't watch a whole lot of television, nor do I listen to the radio very often but I started reading the "media" column in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel in college and haven't stopped since.

I'll be honest; I really only started reading because a professor I had in an electronic media class told me I'd be a perfect media columnist with my blend of sarcasm, wit, and keen observation. So I started with Tim Cuprisin's "Inside TV & Radio" column and soon saw exactly what she meant. Unfortunately, the JS didn't want to pay him anymore, so he took a severance package and fled to OnMilwaukee.com, where he writes pretty much the same thing.

The paper didn't completely abandon media coverage, however, and put their movie critic (and former media reporter) Duane Dudek in Cuprisin's place. I am now a fan of Dudek as well.

He wrote today about the supposed new hotness of 3-D television: "Call me Mr. Analog, but I don't want to watch TV with anything on my head other than one of those hard hats with beer cans on either side."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Mundane Minutiae, Vol. I: What genius came up with the great idea to drink all night?

Oh, wait. That would be me.

It would be slightly more okay if I drank and drank because of the heartbreaking loss the Packers suffered last night, but I actually turned the game off before it became exciting. (I did follow along via text messages and intermittent check-ins to ESPN.com) At that point -- 31-10 in the 3rd Quarter -- I had had probably 5 beers. Most people having to work the next morning might have called it a night at that point. Not me.

I guess I thought I felt pretty good, so why not feel even better? I proceeded to have 7 more beers and a nightcap of vodka and 7Up. You know, because I was thirsty.

I went to bed at 12:30, woke up at 6:50 to go to work. It was not kind to me, but I made it through. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

What's Old is New Yet Again

New Super Mario Bros. Wii (NSMBW) is a prime example of what is wrong and what is right with the console. On the one hand, there's nothing terribly new about this game. Yet, I have a feeling that people will eat this game up -- and they should -- whether fueled by nostalgia or the fact that casual gamers can pick this one up and play right off the bat. There's nothing wrong with this, but it may encourage Nintendo to sit on their laurels a bit and keep pumping out retreads of a brand and game format that peaked roughly 20 years ago. As much as I'd likely play NSMBW4, I still think innovation is necessary in the gaming world. Even if all I mostly play are platformers and sports games.

The game is simple, familiar, yet challenging. I made my way through it with my girlfriend in roughly a week, using a grand total of 32 continues on the Mario character, and perhaps 10 or 15 spread out across Luigi and the two Toads. (The continues with the other characters denote that we were playing two characters at the same time.) There were some genuinely frustrating moments over the course of the 8 worlds, but nothing that made me throw my controller through the television.

NSMBW takes most of its cues from Super Mario Bros. 3: the layout of the maps, the themed worlds (desert, ice, etc.), mushroom houses with power-ups, and an inventory of items. Super Mario World from SNES is scattered throughout the game as well, with ghost houses, Yoshi, and probably some other stuff I'm forgetting.

As far as enemies are concerned, there aren't a whole lot of new foes to defeat. However, there are new ways to defeat them thanks to some new power-ups, including the Propeller and Penguin suits, and the Ice Flower. None of them are particularly mind-blowing considering the dearth of power-ups from past Mario games, but they do keep the game just fresh enough.

The levels themselves are standard Mario fare, but again some new innovations keep things interesting. For example, some underground or underwater levels are completely dark save for the the light of some enemies (or your fireballs, if you're lucky enough to be Fire Mario). Other levels are navigated by platforms that slant or slide based on how you waggle the Wiimote. The castles at the end of each world -- where you fight one of Bowser's kids (who would procreate with that asshole, anyway?) -- mostly resemble the castles from Super Mario World. These present quite the challenge, but not nearly as much as the final, epic battle with King Koopa himself. Okay, it's not so much a battle as it is an escape, but it has to be seen to be believed.

Despite the fact that NSMBW might be one of the best 2D Mario games ever, I do have some complaints. The multi-player aspect of the game becomes more annoying with more than two characters on-screen. (With only two, it can actually be strategically advantageous, i.e. the game continues when one person dies with no interruption.) You spend more time waiting for other players or screwing around instead of stomping goombas and progressing through the level.

The other problem -- and it is only slight -- is that the game feels short. SMB3's worlds each seemed to have 8 or more boards to play not counting the fortresses and airships. NSMBW tops out at 5 or 6 boards. As challenging as some levels were, I was left wanting more.

Of course, the game does give you more. Upon completion, a ninth world appears... but the only way to get to each board is to find all the star coins in each corresponding world (everything in World 1 for 9-1, etc.) This enhances the replay value, though it's kind of a pain in the ass at the same time. Like I said, it's only a slight problem.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii is nearly perfect. Nintendo took everything that was right about SMB3 and Super Mario World and crammed it into this game, plus added some more to keep things, well, new. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this game to someone who loves old-school, platform-based games.