Nuggets of Comedy from the Fake Brewers

The Brewers have been playing well as of late, but during the free-fall of their nine game losing streak and beyond I discovered that a number of fake Brewers exist on Twitter. When the Crew wasn't very fun to watch. these guys were pretty amusing to read.

Craig Counsell (@craigcounsell)

Turns out with Adam Stern and Braun both here the Brewers lead the league in Jew. 8:37 AM May 29th via web

JJ Hardy left his phone in my car after dinner last night. Why does he have the CDC on speed-dial? 10:14 AM May 24th via web

Jeff Suppan (@FakeJeffSuppan)

2 innings, just like when I start 9:57 PM May 6th via Seesmic

this bullpen stinks tonight....no seriously Hoffman's been dropping ass all game 8:05 PM May 11th via Seesmic

Gregg Zaun (@notgreggzaun)

#thingsblackpeopledo not play catcher. 8:27 PM May 22nd via web

From here on out, I'm going to shit in the glove of any pitcher who blows a late-game lead for us. If I can shit that much. 9:27 AM May 20th via web

Todd Coffey (@faketoddcoffey)

@notkenmacha called a great game tonight. No blown saves or anything. 9:40 PM May 24th via Echofon (the Brewers were off that night)

Fml. #brewers 6:42 PM May 17th via Echofon (1 IP, 5 ER for Coffey)

Doug Melvin (@fakedougmelvin)

Zach Braddock will not be joining the #Brewers this weekend -- we've maxed out our quota of pitchers who can throw above 96 MPH at one. 1:12 PM May 21st via web

@bobwait is my first follower! If you can throw less than 88 MPH and manage to keep your ERA over 5, you got yourself a 3-year deal! 6:39 PM May 20th via web

And finally, the manager for your Milwaukee Brewers, Ken Macha (@notkenmacha)

Though we've got to say good-bye For the summer Darling I promise you this I'll send you all my love Everyday in a letter Sealed with a kiss 7:17 PM May 18th via web

It was an early morning yesterday I was up before the dawn. And I really have enjoyed my stay But I must be moving on. Goodbye Stranger! 7:15 PM May 18th via web

This is the end, Beautiful friend, This is the end. My only friend, the end. -- Jack Morris was a genius, too bad he died so young. 7:12 PM May 18th via web

(This was after Trevor Hoffman blew his latest save and the losing streak stood at 8. Personally I think "Goodbye Cruel World" by Pink Floyd would've been another appropriate reference.)

Corey Hart

And some people thought Jim Edmonds was the answer...

View From the Brewers Bandwagon, Vol 2: The Last Days of Ken Macha

I go to about 20 Brewers games a year, and watch nearly all the rest of them. Though I'm a casual fan, I do care enough about the team enough to write about them. I don't think I could be a full-time Brewer blogger -- I don't care that much -- but at the same time I think it would be fun to check in on them periodically and give my (mostly worthless) opinions.

So it seemed merely 9 days ago that the Brewers had finally turned the corner in this young -- but quickly aging – season. After being completely shut down by a good Padres team, the Crew finished the road trip strong by going 5-1 against the Dodgers and Diamondbacks. Spirits were high. And they did indeed turn the corner… right into a brick wall.

How does a team blessed with a seemingly indefatigable offense manage to have the worst home record in baseball?

Do I really even need to spell it out?

It had been said that last year’s pitching staff was comprised of a #1 and a bunch of #5’s, and this year is looking no different. Yovani Gallardo, obviously, is the #1 here but it is only by default. To be an ace you have to be able to get past the 5^th inning in less than 100 pitches. Yo has rarely done that this season. I wouldn’t go so far to say that he sucks, and I have confidence in him to one day be a true ace, but he’s just not there yet. He’s the best the Brewers have, but it’s not quite good enough.

Randy Wolf has been not quite shitty at best so far. His numbers are okay (3-3 4.66 ERA 6IP per start) and just in watching him (I’m no sabermetrician) he looks merely average. Perhaps most alarming of his numbers is this: his BAA against lefties is .291 this season; for his career that number is .225. If a LHP can’t get left-handed batters out, there is a problem.

I don’t feel comfortable trashing a guy who was just diagnosed with a heart ailment, so I will leave Doug Davis alone. But his foibles are well-documented. He was hired to eat innings and at the very least keep the team in the game, and thus far he has not done that.

Dave Bush has been mildly disappointing. He’s only averaging 5.76 IP per start and has an ERA of 4.27. It seems as though he’s been lit up only once: 9 ER in 3 2/3 IP against the Cubs, a game I had the displeasure of attending. Still, while he has kept the team in the game most of the time, he hasn’t gone deep into those games. It’s an epidemic, if you couldn’t already tell.

Chris Narveson isn’t the answer, even though he’s been decent enough. I think Davey Nelson said on Saturday’s radio broadcast that Narveson just isn’t a guy that’s going to go deep into games. With a battered bullpen, that just isn’t going to work.

All of this leads me to the obvious question: Who takes the fall? Certainly you can’t fire the entire pitching staff. You could fire the guy who assembled the staff, Doug Melvin, but what difference would it make this season?

No, the sword will fall – as always – on the manager, Ken Macha.

Maybe Macha isn’t the right guy for this team. I will agree that, at this point, the team needs a fire lit under their collective ass. (Personally, I’m not high on loud, fiery managers. I think that stuff is mostly for show, anyway. If a player is only motivated because a manager goes out to argue calls a bunch of times, perhaps professional sports isn’t for you. ) That has never been Macha’s game, and perhaps the team is suffering because of it. He’s always been a hands-off kind of guy, which might be another reason the team is underperforming.

Others will point to the fact that he appears to be asleep during the games, as evidenced by boneheaded moved he’s made over the past 39 games. This is normally where I would defend a manager by saying he’s not the one out there throwing meatballs or swinging at sliders in the dirt. I think this still holds true as a whole – every decision a manager makes has a 50/50 chance of working whether or not the stats say it’s the “right” call – but over the past two games it’s as if Macha is begging to be fired.

On Monday night, with the game on the line tied 1-1, Todd Coffey was summoned from the bullpen. He immediately gave up a triple, single (run scored), single, single (out made on basepaths). Runners now at 2^nd and 3^rd. At this point you might discern that Coffey doesn’t have it tonight. Scott Rolen was up next to be followed by lefty Jay Bruce. At the very least, you’d think an intentional walk was coming up next to set up a double play – hopefully with a lefty to face Bruce.

Nope.

No one up in the pen. Rolen hits sac fly to score another run. Bruce is intentionally walked ONE BATTER TOO LATE and then Gomes comes up, hits a homer, and the game is out of reach. Points to Coffey for drilling the next guy.

I’d love to say “it just didn’t work out,” but that entire sequence was just baffling.

Tuesday afternoon, the Crew plays well and the two-headed starter Parrestrada held the Reds to two runs in eight innings. Trevor Time! And by Trevor Time I mean give up a single, homer, double, walk, single and the ballgame. For some, Macha bringing in Hoffman at all was a mistake; for myself, the guy pitched a scoreless inning the last time out – meaningless, yes, but still scoreless – and was perhaps on the road to rebounding.

But Macha left him in for the whole thing. Maybe he thinks by getting fired in such a glorious, shitty fashion it’ll somehow trick the team into thinking they are better than what they have been because, “hey, our manager was a bonehead and that’s why we suck.”

I was never a guy frothing at the mouth for the firing of Ned Yost, nor am I for firing Ken Macha. I, like a lot of fans (I hope) realize that firing a manager mid-season is nothing more than a PR move. It is putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. Talent will always overcome a “bad” manager. If you have marginal talent, you get a marginal team, even with a baseball genius for a skipper.

So, what now? If the Brewers are going to compete this season it's going to take some ballsy moves, some common sense, and quite a bit of hope.

Step 1: Cut Jeff Suppan. This is a no-brainer. They kept him for depth, but with pretty much everyone on the pitching staff under-performing, I think an infusion of new blood is required.

Step 2: Ask Trevor Hoffman very politely to retire. If he refuses -- and as an all-time great closer he has that right -- keep him as far away from the closer's role as possible for as long as possible. Also, make Todd Coffey the closer.

Step 3: Move Doug Davis into long relief. I think he hurts the team the least here, and lately it seems as if he's good for a few innings before falling apart.

Step 4: Leave both Parra and Estrada in the rotation. It's true you can't tell too much from one start, but at this point you might as well give it a shot. Parra has been an enigma thus far but he has the stuff to be a major league starter. Time for him to start showing it.

Step 5: Give Dave Bush some better run support. In his last 5 starts -- which the Crew lost -- he was given 2-0-3-3-2 runs, while giving up 3 in 4 of those 5 games. Granted, he also needs to go deeper so the bullpen can pick up where he left off... but still.

Step 6 - and this is a big one - The remaining pitchers need to pitch to their career norms and go deeper into games. I know, it's a lot to ask. But Yo and Wolf are pretty much there as is. Bush is close. This offense is equipped to carry the team, but they will not do that if the pitcher takes them out of the game.

My adjusted staff looks like this:

SP Yo

SP Wolf

SP Estrada

SP Narveson

SP Parra

Mopup (Hoffman?)

LRP Davis

MRP Vargas

MRP Stetter

MRP Axford

SU Villanueva

CL Coffey

I know what this team really needs is some power arms. This junkballing finesse shit isn't exactly working out. But Doug Melvin or any other GM isn't going to get those arms through FA because the money just isn't there. You're also not going to get that kind of talent by trading Prince Fielder. I don't think any team is going to fill a hole by blowing out a hole somewhere else. You will get prospects for him at best, and for the future that would be prudent. But I don't think the Brewers are done just yet. The offense is too fucking talented, and a pitching staff comprised of Cy Young, Nolan Ryan, Warren Spahn, Sandy Koufax and Bob Gibson (I just picked five random all-time great awesome pitchers) isn't needed with this team.

Of course, much like Ken Macha's stint with the Brewers, time is running out and running out quickly.

Thanks a lot, shitheads

Sure, after a post on how I think the Brewers will make it through Doug Davis goes and lays an egg. Except that he didn't, exactly.

He was betrayed by:

a) An error by Craig Counsell, which should have been the first out
b) a sacrifice bunt that got no one out
c) a double play ball that only got one out

Nothing the Padres hit was smoked.

Davis should have been out of that inning only down 2-0. Not the best outing, but certainly something the Brewer bats could have overcome.

View From the Brewers Bandwagon, Vol 1: Time to abandon ship?

I go to about 20 Brewers games a year, and watch nearly all the rest of them. Though I'm a casual fan, I do care enough about the team enough to write about them. I don't think I could be a full-time Brewer blogger -- I don't care that much -- but at the same time I think it would be fun to check in on them periodically and give my (mostly worthless) opinions.



Approximately one-eighth of the season has been completed and the Milwaukee Brewers sit at 9-12. With a supposedly bolstered starting rotation, a strong bullpen anchored by the heretofore ageless Trevor Hoffman, and promising youngsters Alcides Escobar and Carlos Gomez setting the table for the sluggers, this is not where fans want the team to be. Can you blame them?

Well, yes and no.

I am not Mr. Sunshine, but I still have hope that the Brewers can compete this season. I know it's not exactly fashionable to be positive on the internet -- and perhaps for sports fans in general -- where blog commenters more closely resemble 4chan (NSFW) than they do Cute Overload. I hate to repeat that tired old mantra "It's still early," but I will: It's still early. Get a grip.

The Brewers' woes pretty much begin and end where you would expect them to, which is with the pitching staff.

The big story on everyone's mind right now is obviously Trevor Hoffman. Is he washed up? Injured? Why isn't he throwing his changeup? Is he the second coming of Eric Gagne?

I'll answer the last question first: No. Gagne was mostly washed up before he even got here. In hindsight, it was easily a mistake to sign him for any amount of money. On the flip side, Hoffman had a ridiculously good year last year, and there was really no reason to think he wouldn't keep it up to some extent other than the fact that he is 42 years old. Unless there was a cheaper, guaranteed* option waiting in the wings, I don't think any GM in the league would pass up on the deal.

*(I say guaranteed because when you have a team that's expected to contend for a division or wild card, you don't hand over the closer's role to someone who has never pitched in the bigs. Do you?)

As for being washed up or injured it's entirely possible on both accounts. He's lost his control (answer to #3) as well, which doesn't bode well. But at the same time one must remember that in his blown saves, the team won one (and could've won yesterday's), lost one on a fluke home run that, given the chance, the guy wouldn't be able to recreate 99 out of 100 times, and finally the Hoff gave up two homers to some guys named Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday. The home runs are troubling to be sure. But I don't think it merits immediate demotion to mop-up guy along with the 12 million dollar mistake Jeff Suppan. Perhaps a few days to get his head straight will do him some good, though upon returning I would keep the leash short, to one the tune of one or two more games. As for options, you've got Villanueva, Coffey, Hawkins, and maybe even Parra**. The closer role isn't a lost cause quite yet.

**(Yes, I know he's a starter and a "mental midget" as some like to say, but he's been good out of the pen and is capable of having some nasty stuff. Imagine the confidence boost that could be to him.)

As for the starting staff, the conventional (in hindsight) wisdom is that if last year's staff was merely average, they would have at least contended for the Wild Card. This year's staff needs to do pretty much the same thing, and I see no reason why it can't. Of course, there is much room for improvement.

Yovani Gallardo needs to learn how to be more efficient with his pitches. If he's going the be the ace, he can't be going only 5 innings with 100 pitches. It isn't good for him, and it's even worse for the bullpen. Randy Wolf doesn't look half bad so far. As long as Bush doesn't get hit on the arm with another line drive (and keeps the starts like his last one to a minimum), he will be all right. Narveson overcame his first-start, first inning jitters to record four scoreless. That's something he can build on. (I hate sounding like a coach, but it's true.)

Doug Davis, on the other hand, is worrying. He did improve in his first start, but not being able to make it past the 5th inning in the other two is inexcusable. No one will confuse him Cy Young, but the man was brought in to eat up innings and get the ball to the bullpen with some semblance of winning. Davis has not really done that thus far.

* * * *

How about that offense? Can you really complain about an offense that leads the league in runs scored, averaging 6 per game? (That is, besides that there's no way they keep up that pace.) Braun is Braun, Prince is coming around from his slow start like he always does, McGehee is proving thus far that he is no fluke. Rickie Weeks is looking like the player everyone wishes he could've been the past few years. Even Corey Hart, whipping boy extraordinaire not just because he collapsed at the end of 2008 and was mediocre in 2009, but because -- and I say this because people at JSOnline can't fucking stop talking about it -- the man was being honest. (Funny, that: in this age of extreme openness, [cynically read: narcissism] an athlete responds in a way other than robotically and the fan base shits all over him for hurting their delicate sensibilities.) So far, so good, huh?

Mostly, yeah. Some question marks rise with the players up the middle, namely Escobar and and Gomez. The knock on this team the last few years has been that they rely far too much on the home run, and this is probably true. These guys have the potential to change all that with their speed, but first Escobar needs to stop swinging at everything he sees and Gomez has to stop hitting the ball in the air. Easier said than done, I know.

Considering those two flash some serious leather in the field, it doesn't make sense to bench them for any long period of time. However, if there is going to be any serious change in playing time, I wouldn't have a problem with an Edmonds/Gomez platoon in center. If a small-ball type player isn't producing, and there aren't many other of those type of guys on the team, then you need some pop in the lineup and Edmonds is perfectly capable of providing that.

At the catcher spot, I'm not particularly enamored of Zaun or Kottaras' performance thus far, nor do I think that by changing catchers is the big change this team needs to turn it around. Zaun has been a backup most of his career, and Kottaras isn't starting material either, so in this case I'd have no problem with them splitting time evenly behind the plate.

There really isn't much more to say about the offense. If they keep on keepin' on, they'll be just fine.

* * * *

You'll notice that I didn't really use any numbers to back up any of my opinions. I know I'd get ripped to shreds on any respectable comment board, but I did it for a reason: I just don't care. I think these stats have their time and place -- namely when trying to win an argument on the internet/showing off your e-peen -- but to a casual fan such as myself, they are mostly irrelevant. Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should go back evaluating players based solely on AVG/HR/RBI and W-L/ERA. It's just that, aside from winning an argument for the sake of winning it, advanced stats are most useful to the front office of a baseball team. They are the ones spending millions of dollars on players, thus they should have the most advanced ways possible to attempt to predict what they're getting for their investment.

As for me, stats aren't the end all be-all of anything. If that we're the case, they would play the game on paper and I could save the $400 I spent on my 20-game pack. Of course, they don't. And as a fan -- casual and somewhat detached as I may be -- I think watching a game is much more fun than endlessly debating statistics, actions that already took place. Needless to say, I won't be writing about Craig Counsell's VORP or Doug Davis' FIP any time soon.

However, there is one number I am concerned with, and this is the amount of money it will take to sign Prince Fielder.

At their current payroll, I don't think it is possible to sign him. It just isn't financially feasible. The only way it could possibly work is if the Brewers' payroll expanded. If it takes $25 mil per year to get the big man, and Milwaukee's payroll is pushing $90 million as we speak, then that amount must be pushed to $115 million. Probably a hard pill to swallow for Mark Attanasio and company.

With the team's subpar start, some of the early ledge-jumpers are already bleating about trading Fielder for pitching. This, along with some article/blurb I read (don't remember where) that crunched some numbers saying that Fielder couldn't possibly live up to the contract that he'll be given, adds up to me thinking: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Now is not the time to trade Fielder. Neither was this off season. I know great pitching is what the team needs, but the truth of the matter is part of the reason the Brewers have been competitive the past three years is because they've been able to put 3 million asses in the seats. Make no bones about it, Prince is the heart and soul of this team and to trade him now would be to say "we're giving up." Now some people might say "Hey, smart fans would know that by trading Fielder, the Brewers would be even more competitive for years to come even if they got some good pitching -- and they would be right. Except that "smart" fans aren't buying the majority of the tickets. Casual ones are. And you know what? An affable, intense, hardworking guy that can hit the ball a mile is going to sell a hell of a lot more tickets than a low ERA can. Besides, who's to say that The Crew would get Tim Lincecum or something back, anyway? I wouldn't be surprised to learn that top prospects is all they could get. Good for the future, bad for right now.

As for living up to the contract, that's all fine and good, but if he were to re-sign and the Brewers were to win the World Series, even if he got hurt and was never the same, would you really care all that much if he put the team in the hole for seven years? I wouldn't. I think the nucleus of Braun, Fielder, and Gallardo give us the best chance to win. It might take one more big move (or perhaps a small one) to put the team over the top, but I don't believe they make that leap without those three.

The View From Opening Day